Adoption series 2015 - A Father/Daughter Story - Tashley's Story

The last adoption story I am sharing here on the blog is one close to home.  My eldest daughter was adopted by my first husband.  Tashley has loved her father before he was  officially hers on paper.  We are both glad he chose to be her Dad. Here is her story in her words.

Hey there everyone, my name is Tashley, you all know my mom, Julie, pretty well, but this is my first time really introducing myself on her blog. 

As you all know, it is Adoption Awareness month, and although it’s not something I think about much, my father adopted me when I was two years old.  I say that I don’t think about it much because I can tell you first hand that there is no difference in the love shown to a child by adoption, rather than blood. Those who don’t know my story, don’t even know I’m adopted. 

My father was only 19 and taking on a responsibility that not many 19 year old guys would. I wouldn’t know it until many years later, but he sacrificed so much to be a father to me. Although he didn’t officially become my father on paper until I was over two, he was  my father while my mother was carrying me. He was there, in the hospital the day I was born. He took on the task of raising me as his own. He worked full time to support our family, while he attended school full time. He showed me more love than you can imagine.

I knew, at a young age that my dad had adopted me and that somewhere else in this world there was a man that shared my DNA. Years passed, our family grew, many changes occurred, but even with my parents’ divorce, my father stayed my father. He supported me through every stage of life, whether it was boys, getting good grades, introducing me to college, the struggles I faced during college or even when I told him that he was about to be a grandfather at the ripe age of 40.

My parents told me the story more than once. The story of how my father adopted me. The story where one man, wasn’t ready to be a father, yet this one, stepped up and became the best father I could ask for. Naturally, as I became a teen, I was curious about this other man. I wanted to know more, but it was a very touchy subject.

I remember I found out his first name, and I knew he was the same age as my parents, so I did what any teen would do…I snooped! I looked into my mom’s yearbooks and I found 3 guys with that name, I knew just by the picture which one he was, and that is pretty much all I had, were a couple old high school photos of him. When I moved out, I got his address and spent months perfecting a letter to him.  I remember not wanting to come off “needy” because honestly I didn’t need him, I had a father. But there was something in me that yearned for him to know I knew about him, I needed him to know I knew about the situation and that I was open to a conversation, at least. The day I received a response letter, well, let’s just say for once in my life I was speechless. It took me an hour to even open it. I tried to brace myself because there was no telling if I was about to read that he wanted nothing to do with me or not to contact him again or if he was actually going to want a father-daughter relationship that I wasn’t sure I was ready for. Eventually, I opened it, to my relief, it was a generally nice letter. He said he wondered if I would ever know about him, if he would ever have the opportunity to meet me. He told me about his wife and three sons. He told me that if I ever needed anything, not to be shy and that if it was something I wanted, we could meet. 

So I emailed him, and we set a time and place to get together. I don’t think I had ever been that nervous before. It was kind of calming to find out we had a few things in common. Looking at him I saw facial features that were similar and I even noticed we made similar gestures as we spoke and we even ordered similar food. It was weird, but calming. I felt comfortable with him. We hugged at the end of our meeting, which was awkward, but over the years, our hugs have became warm and our relationship has become a friendship. After knowing him for almost 10 years now, I am grateful for that opportunity, but at the same time, I know that my life was enriched by my father taking on the role he did.

My biological father wasn’t ready for that responsibility, but I was lucky enough to have someone in my life that was. My dad has shown me the strength it takes to be a parent, the love it takes to love a child that may not be of your own blood and the blessing that comes with it. I have used that knowledge in my life, especially now as a stepmother. I know, no matter what I do, my father is there behind me, standing strong and loving unconditionally.

Adoption Series 2015 - Robin & Scott

The next family in our adoption series is Robin and Scott.  Robin and I were classmates in high school.  I am so happy to be able to share their story of adoption.  This story includes a son that Robin gave birth to.  Many families grow their family through adoption before or after giving birth to a child.  It's done for many different reasons and today you get to hear theirs.  Just like many, their adoption story has twists and turns, but in the end joy was brought to their family!

In the fall of 2003, we had ended our attempts at fertility treatments to get pregnant.  I was physically, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.  I mentioned to my husband that I would love to adopt, I felt that God had shut (more like slammed) the door on pregnancy.  Yet I felt He was leading us to adoption.  Scott, at the time, was adamant he could not love a child that was not physically his.  I let it go for awhile, as I was in nursing school and just needed time to clear my head and not think about babies for awhile!  

One day Scott came home from work, (he owns a carpet store) and said he had measured someone’s house that had adopted. After visiting with them he was all over adopting!  I think God knew what he needed!  Like I said, I was in nursing school so it was the spring of 2004 before I got all our stuff to two attorneys.  It was hard balancing school and my family!  

We got a call from one attorney shortly after we submitted our paperwork. The birth mother had participated in using illegal drugs so the baby had some medical issues from that experience in the womb.  The mother had also been diagnosed with AIDS.  At that time, we did not feel we could handle caring for the child.  We did not proceed with it.  

The seasons changed and soon it was winter, I was working part time now as a nurse and really enjoying life!  One Sunday at the end of January, my husband mentioned that we should turn the baby’s room into an office. After all he didn’t think we would adopt, he had given up hope.  I left the room and cried!  

God's timing amazes me as two days later, we got a call from the attorney in Wichita.  He had a young girl who did not look at our profile, she only asked that we were catholic, mother works part time or less, we have pets, we had fertility issues and the kicker, was the baby was biracial.  We were elated to get the call!  We immediately said yes!  

That was February 1, 2005, the baby was due in early May.  In late March, the attorney called and said the birthfather may fight the adoption, we were devastated!  Not only that, the birth mom's mother had googled us and found out everything about us for $50.  Needless to say the birth mom was livid!  She wanted it a closed adoption.  The attorney was able to get the mom calmed down and things began to proceed.  

The birth mom went to Minnesota to live with a family they were close to so she could deliver there, as her dad was a physician in the area they live, so there would be no privacy.  It was decided to induce her on April 28th.

We purchased plane tickets to fly up that day, as she didn’t want us there for delivery, but we could be there later.  So, after all the uncertainties, I went baby shopping on Monday the 25th.  

As soon as I got home the attorney called and said things might be sooner!  We went and ate dinner and then I went to work on my older son’s float.  I got a call that the birth mom's water had broke and delivery would be soon!  I called my husband, we called the airlines, they would not budge on changing our tickets! So my husband said, that’s our son, he needs us there, we are driving! We packed, my brother came and got our 5 year old, we took the dogs to the vet and hit the road around 9 p.m.!  We stopped in Liberty, MO at 12:30 to sleep.  At 6:45 the attorney called and said he was born at 5:19 am and he was healthy!  We quickly got ready, grabbed breakfast, filled gas and was on the road again by 7:45 am!  We arrived at the hospital around 3:15 pm.

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Our son was in a level 2 nursery and had one nurse who was with him the whole time for security.  They did not realize that we knew he was biracial, they were relieved when we told them we were already aware!  He was perfect!  

That evening the attorney called and had notified the birth dad.  He said he would fight for custody.  We were allowed to go home the next morning after he was circumcised, we drove the whole 10 hours!  After we got home the battle began.  I would feed him at night, and wonder how I could give him up, I prayed that God would not allow that to happen!

A hearing was set for the end of May.  We wanted to have our son baptized in the Catholic faith in early June.  The priest told us to go ahead with it, because baptism is a sign you are turning your child back over to God, for His will to be done, and he felt God would honor our faith!  

After the hearing we waited 4 weeks for a decision from the judge!  The attorney called in early July and told us we were granted our son!  We had to wait 30 days for the father to contest, before we could finalize the adoption.  Well, at the end of 30 days the Sedgwick County Courthouse was on lockdown so BTK could tell his crime stories.  So on August 26th, his 4 month birthdate he officially became ours! 

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There is more to our story, so don't stop reading now!  For 3 years we heard nothing from any birthparents!  Then one day we got a call from the attorney,  the birth mom's family had googled themselves and found an online ad looking for our son, which mentioned the family’s name and that he was biracial.  But it was up to us what we wanted done, so we asked it be removed, and we get a health history and pictures from the dad.  He was married by this point and had a daughter exactly 1 year younger than our son.  Within 10 minutes he was at the attorney’s office with the required papers.  

The birthfather asked for pictures too. We sent a letter written from our son’s point of view about his life to that point along with pictures of him and sent it to the attorney for the dad.  We knew where things were going now!  A few weeks later we got a packet from the attorney and it had tons of pictures of the dad, his family, his daughter and wife, along with letters.  

Then a couple of weeks later, we got a call from the attorney, the birth father  was being sent to Afghanistan (he was in the Air Force) for a year.  We agreed to meet at the attorney’s office, we felt this was the least we could do for him. He is a great man, he truly cares, but unfortunately did not know how the laws work to keep his son.  He is perfectly happy with how it all ended up.  After the meeting we had them to our house for dinner, one thing, him and his wife have also included our older son as one of their kids too!  While he was serving, he was almost killed in the line of duty.  After his return we had regular dinners with them, they have watched our boys for us and we have watched their daughter for them.  

Unfortunately, he is in the military and so a few years ago, he was moved to Georgia!  We still keep in contact, he always calls on our son’s birthday, they remember both boys at Christmas and their birthday!  We had so many struggles, but God knew the grander plan and He knew what was in the future. We still don’t have contact with the birth mom, but we have mutual acquaintances that keep us informed as to what she is doing now.  We still send a Christmas letter to the attorney and current pictures every year, in hopes that some day she will want to meet him.  We were told that she said that if our son chose to meet her she would agree, she didn’t think he should ever suffer!  

Our son still does not know he is adopted, and honestly, I rarely think of him as that, he is ours, but when he questions it, I will be honest and tell him his unique story.   While adoption was wonderful for us, I do understand it truly is not for everyone.  To me, it was harder than labor, emotionally but in the end it was all worth it!  He is the perfect piece to our family puzzle, God truly knows what he is doing!  

I'd like to thank Robin and Scott for sharing their wonderful story with us. They have a fine looking son and I agree, he was the perfect piece to their family puzzle!  May they have many blessings in the years to come!

Thanks for stopping by!

Julie

Adoption Series 2015 - Koren and Chris- International Adoption

Our guests today on the blog are a young couple that grew their family through international adoption.  They made the journey to Korea after waiting a long time.  The following post is authentic in facts and emotions and I appreciate them being willing to share their story with us.  

I'd like to introduce you to Koren, Chris, and their son Logan.  

Koren and Chris' story began back in their college days, which eventually led them to be married in 2005.  After three years into the marriage they decided it was time to grow their family!  For a year they attempted to became pregnant which was not successful.  They met with a fertility doctor. Koren would not be able to carry a child without assistance.  They attempted three times, using all the eggs gathered to become pregnant through IVF.  This was not successful so rather than gamble, they chose to make their way into the land of adoption!

Koren shared with me that they chose international adoption because they felt leery of the US adoption process. The other reason is that they did not want to share their child.  She wanted their child to be fully a part of their family.  I commend Koren for being honest and sharing her true feelings.  Koren and Chris were truthful from the beginning and stayed the course to what they knew was right for their family.  Each family and what works for them is different.  

Choosing South Korea for an international adoption was done so because at the time there was not a long waiting period.  The children are placed in foster care at the beginning of their lives.  The thought is that while they will be attached to their foster parents, they are given all the love and attention they need and it's an easier transition.  This in comparison to orphanages that is.

Logan was six months old when Koren and Chris signed up for the program.  The process was to take a year and a half and for an additional fee they could have someone from Korea accompany him over here to the United States.  

After a few months in, the process Korea had in place changed.  The entire  process was shut down while Korea re-wrote the rules.  They were finally informed that Korea had decided to add a few more steps.  Not only would social workers there be reviewing the files more thoroughly, but after their approval the file would be sent to a family law judge in Korea for review! There were a great deal of people  waiting for their paperwork to be approved and then also for a court date.  The court dates were only done twice a week and they only had two judges!

Another change in the course of this families adoption journey was that they would have to travel to Korea twice.  On the first trip they met their child and then would go to the court date where the judge would ask them a series of questions.  Most wait times for approval were two weeks.

From the time they signed up with the adoption agency to when they actually brought Logan home it was a two year wait.  Logan came home with them when he was 2.5 years old. That was December of 2014.

Adoption is not always an easy journey as we can see from Koren and Chris' story.  The stress levels were increased by the change of S. Korea policies and the wait time in any adoption is hard.  But they made their way through and it created a family with a beautiful little boy they can call their own!

Be sure to check out Wednesday's post where we share some advice that Koren offers when adopting!

Thanks for stopping by!
Julie

Adoption Series 2015 - Kylie and Greg

Today begins the Adoption Series 2015 on the blog!  We are excited to let you know that we have four adoption stories to share with you this month!  Please be sure to check back every Monday for those!  We hope to add some other adoption related posts of our own too!

I'd like to introduce you to Kylie and Greg.  They have been blessed with two boys, Landon and Ethan, through the process of adoption.  Here is their story.

Before we were married we talked about having kids but wanted to wait a few years.  After we were married on August 2, 2003 we never really talked about starting a family.  That was until about a year after the wedding. We decided what are we waiting for!  So, we began trying and trying, with no luck.  We made our way to the OBGYN and started all the testing to find out my husband had low sperm counts and I was not ovulating correctly.  Our next step was to go to a fertility doctor.  They told us our only hope was IVF.  Which we knew something about because my sister was going through IVF also.  We did two attempts.  I remember being in recovery after my second retrieval and the doctor saying it doesn't look good.  That our options would be to use donor eggs and sperms or adoption.  I remember saying to Greg with tears rolling down my face "adoption".  My thought was I do not have to give birth to be a mother.   

Greg called our good friend Tina while I was still in recovery and got the ball rolling.  Towards the end of May 2006 we found an agency we would work with,  and began the paperwork process.  My husband was persistent with getting the paperwork, home studies,  education classes, etc.  done in a timely manner.   

Thank goodness because November 11th, 2006 we received a call about a baby boy being born on the  10th!  It was late at night, so our agency told us to call her the next day.   So I went to work the next day and when I got home Greg was on the phone with our agency and gave me a thumbs up.  She told us to go shopping for all things a baby would need.  We then met her at the  hospital that night to meet Landon.  We fell in love immediately!

Greg and I could not believe how smoothly this adoption went.  Our agency kept saying they usually were not that smooth.  When Landon was about a year and half old we decided to start the process again.  We had completed all the paperwork, home studies, etc., and we waited and waited.    We then started working with other agencies, we had a  sister who is a lawyer.  We sent her our portfolio and she started showing it to birthmoms.  We had a couple birthmoms who wanted to meet us but they chose another couple.  We had a birthmom choose us but after the baby was born she decided to parent (we never saw that baby)  that was hard but the hardest was yet to come.  

In September 2009, my cousin messaged me on Facebook because she worked with a lady whose daughter was pregnant and was thinking about adoption.  She gave me the girl's number.  With our agencies approval we contacted the mother and set up a date to meet.  We met and that day she told us she  wanted us to adopt her baby boy.  She told us we could go to her doctors appointments and be with her through labor and delivery.  So for two months we did not miss one of her doctors appointments.  The birth mother had a date scheduled to be induced and was making sure we would be with her in labor and delivery.  

The day came.  Braden Issac was born and it was one of the most beautiful days of my life.   She left the hospital 18 hours after he was born,  she had given us temporary custody.  We brought him home from the hospital waiting for her to terminate her rights.  Five days after we brought him home our agency called and told us she was going to parent.  We were devastated!   But we had Landon, each other, family, and friends.   We knew  God had a plan.  

May 27,  2010 we received a call from our agency about a baby boy that was in NICU at a hospital in northern Indiana.   He was born outside a hospital somewhere on the south side of Chicago and ten hours after he was born his birthmom took him to a fire station and surrendered him.   Thank goodness for the Safe Haven Law! The only ones we told were my parents that we had been chosen, we then dropped Landon off at their house and drove the 5.5 hours to the hospital.  We were scared because of the last time.  

Greg and I made it to the hospital and was welcomed by the nicest nurses we know and met Ethan Issac.  We chose his name in the parking lot of the hospital. He was a healthy baby, they were just running a lot of tests on him.  We were able to leave the hospital three days later.  

Although we have never met either boys birth parents we thank them and pray for them daily.

Greg and Kylie, thank you for being truthful and sharing your adoption story with us.  I'm sure your words will help those out there considering adoption and those waiting to adopt.  May your family of four be blessed everyday. Thank you for participating in the In Between the Sunsets of Life Adoption Series 2015!

Julie & Milton

Adoption Series 2014- Books

 This particular post for our Adoption Series 2014 is about books.  

These are a few books that our family and others have 

used when reading to their adopted children.  

Feel free to comment with any you might know of and share this 

post to make adoption awareness known! 

Shonya from Learning How Much I Don't Know has a couple posts as well on book information.

Be sure to take a gander there too!

Adult Books on Adoption

Children's Books on Adoption

Do you know of some good books!

Please share!

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Thanks for stopping by!

Julie

Adoption Series 2014- Chris & Stephanie's Adoption Journey

This is one of my favorite stories that I know of adoption. Perhaps it is because I knew Chris in my high school days or maybe because it's just so beautiful.  They did a great job of writing their story out. Thank you Chris and Stephanie for joining us.


Hello, we are Chris and Stephanie; we have two wonderful boys,  Matthew, who is nine, and Jackson, six. We are pleased to have the opportunity to share our adoption story.  .

When we were first married, we didn’t try to work on a family, but at the same time, weren’t trying not to start a family.  After about five years, and a few times of thinking it might happen, we decided to see some doctors and find out if there was a reason it wasn’t happening.  As it turns out, the problem lay in both of us, so long story short, natural pregnancy was not in our cards. We started down the fertility road, but quickly decided that wasn’t the way for us.  It wasn’t that we had an ethical problem with it, we just didn’t feel we needed to go down that road.

Naturally, our thoughts turned to adoption, but  it seemed rather daunting at the time, and we put it on the back burner for a while.  Three years later we started the process again, full of plans and ready to start our family. Initially, we thought to pursue an inter-country adoption, feeling the odds of success were greatest. Shortly after we began though, we realized that we wanted an infant, and would need to do a domestic adoption.

We had some unfortunate failures along the way, ones that were very emotionally painful at the time. At one point we were there for the delivery of a child. When we returned to the hospital the next day, they told us we were no longer welcome. As I reflect back on it now, I still wonder what God was trying to teach us through that. But if that mom needed support, and God thought we were up to the task, I’m glad we could be there.

Our boys were adopted through different agencies. And the experiences couldn’t have been more different. One adoption was very emotional and more relational, both with the agency and with the birth family, and the other was rather business like and structured. Both have their merits.

We met Matthew’s birth mother for an interview about one month before he was born. We had a nice time with her and her family, and left wondering what would happen and how she thought it went. We found out two days later when our social worker called and said she had chosen us! Just a few weeks later, Matthew was born. We arrived at the hospital about 45 minutes after he was born. Stephanie and Matthew had to stay in that state until after the hearing two weeks later. There was some concern at the hearing as his biological father, who had never responded to the adoption agent when contacted regarding the adoption plan, came to the hearing to protest. Our agent asked the judge to stop the hearing so she could explain the process to him, and he agreed that the plan was for the best.  Her ability to communicate to him, and her emotional investment in the adoption plan, I feel were very key in helping overcome this hurdle. We couldn’t be at the hearing, so we had no idea this was all happening. I still remember standing in a little bookstore at the time, wondering if this was going to work out or not.

Jackson’s biological mom picked us just a couple weeks before he was born. We were at church on a Sunday morning when my phone rang, I realized it was a call from Florida and knew that it was time to go! The call came at 11:45 am, and 12 hours later, the three of us were in a hotel room in Daytona Beach. Talk about a whirlwind trip. We had the opportunity to meet with his biological mom at the hospital for a while, and then she met with the agency again. After that she checked out of the hospital, and we had another little boy! We spent a week in Florida; some of Stephanie’s family came down to stay with us as it was Christmastime. What a great time, going from cold Illinois to sunny Florida and getting the greatest Christmas present you could ask for. Going to Sea World on Christmas Eve when it’s 85 degrees is kind of a bonus as well. The agency also took us out to dinner with three other families that had just been placed that week. How fun it was to share that special time with other families that knew exactly what we were feeling.

Both of our adoptions are semi-open, but that means different things to different people. We send regular updates to one of the agencies; the other agency just asked that we send updates for the first year. In both cases, though, the birth moms can request them if they like. We were in regular communication with Matthew’s mom for the first few years, and made some visits out to see her and her family. She came to visit us in our home after Matthew’s adoption, too. We felt it was important that she be able to picture where he was. We still have some occasional contact with her, but seldom.

We talk to the boys about their adoptions openly. Sometimes they ask many questions, and sometimes they just want to know what’s for snack. They are brothers through and through, going from being best buddies to enemies and back at light speed. Being different races doesn’t enter their thoughts very often, and to date, we haven’t seen it be a problem anywhere else. Will that change? I don’t know, but I trust that our family, put together by the hand of God with the same love and planning as if they had been  born to us biologically, is exactly right, and can overcome anything by His strength.

Thanks for stopping by!
Julie


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Adoption Series 2014 - Part 3 - The Klein's - Open Adoptions

After reading The Klein's post on open adoption, that is below, I am so very thrilled to get the opportunity to share it here on our blog.  They continue to educate, open the eyes of others, show love and kindness to others.  Please be sure to read it completely, and we encourage you to share this post.  Most of the time, in the news and media we only see the heartbreaking stories from adoption. Together, let's take this post and share the positives of open adoption!

We have open adoptions in all four of our adoptions.  What does that even mean?

Well, frankly, it looks different in each of our adoptions.  At a minimum, an open adoption involves the exchange of information such as the full names of adoptive and birthparents, and contact information, whether it is a physical address or post office box, phone number, or email address.  Most times the adoptive parents and birthparents meet one another at least once.  In many cases, there is regular contact (such as sending pictures and updates) and sometimes even visits between the birthparents and adoptee.

In our specific adoptions, we have varying levels of interaction, some of which are affected by distance.  Three of our children's birthparents are friends on facebook, so they get frequent updates via pictures and cute stories throughout our daily life.  Some of our children's birthparents have requested pictures and letters once a year to a few times a year (somewhat dependent on the age/developmental stage of the children).  We meet frequently with two of our children's birthparents so they can actually spend time face to face celebrating birthdays or enjoying outings to a zoo, park, restaurant, or children's museum.  Every couple years I make books about each child on snapfish and send copies of those books to the children's birthparents for them to keep and treasure.

Always the goal is to let them get to know one another and to build memories and a relationship.

Some people fear open adoption.
We have heard people express fears that a birthparent might change their mind and come and "kidnap" a child.  We have never seen any support for this fear.  In fact, our experience has shown that having a way to stay in touch with their children, to see how they are doing and that they are loved, helps birthparents through the grieving process.

Others are concerned that children might be confused at the birthparents' presence in their lives.  We just haven't found that to be the case.  Think about it--we are perfectly capable of loving more than one child and knowing who is who.  I daresay most of us had more than one grandma and grandpa, but we knew who each was and had relationships with each of them.  Children are able to understand, at various levels developmentally, of course, both their first mom and their day-to-day mom and their respective roles.

Other objections I have heard include the possibilities of birthparents interfering in parenting or a child wanting to live with his or her birthparents (particularly during challenging seasons such as the teen years) and I can't speak very much to these concerns yet as we are only eight years into these open adoption relationships.  So far, all of our children's birthparents/birthfamilies have been only respectful of our role as the rule-enforcing parents, and they even clear gifts with us before giving them to their children.  I'm not really worried about these concerns as my husband and I both have pretty strong personalities and aren't afraid to stand up for our beliefs and practices, and I also feel confident that our children's birthparents chose us to parent their children because they trusted us.

I think it's probably pretty likely that a time will come that each of our children will think it would be better to live with someone else because they are unhappy with our rules or something (the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence!).  There have certainly been times our biological children haven't been the happiest with their responsibilities or privileges, but that's just part of life.  We'll deal with it as it comes, but I hope we adoptive parents and birthparents will be able to stand as a united front in the best interests of the children we all love.

We have found open adoption to be a blessing for all involved.
For the children/adoptees (my number one concern) I have found open adoption to help them in developing their identity.  They don't have to wonder who they look like or where they have inherited a certain talent.  If they should have any medical issues or wonder about potential allergies they will have the ability to get the answers.  They'll never have to look at strangers wondering if that might be their first mom or dad.  I'm hoping it will be less awkward for them to establish mature relationships with their birthfamilies as adults as they have been able to build on that relationship through the years.  I have read too many stories of adoptees in reunion with their birthfamily who have no common ground, who simply can't establish any kind of rapport with their birthparents, and they ache and feel like they lost their families twice as a result.

For the birthparents, open adoption seems to help with the grieving process.  Speaking from my own observations (not trying to speak for birthparents), their greatest desire seems to be that their children are safe, that they are loved, that they, the birthparents, made the best decision they could.  Seeing their children grow and develop normally, seeing their smiles and contentment, seeing how very much we love them, seems to have been a source of comfort and reassurance for our children's birthparents.  They don't have to wonder what their child looks like or how they are doing--they can see for themselves.

For us, the adoptive parents, open adoption has also been a blessing.  Knowing our children's birthfamilies helps us to know our children more completely.  Loving our children's birthparents has grown our extended family even more than we ever could have imagine.  Not only have we been blessed with more children through open adoption, but we have also been blessed with friends.  There are certain people you can rave to about your child--how cute and smart and generally wonderful they are.  But sharing your love for a child with his or her first parents--well, they love him or her every bit as much as you do.  They will agree with every single thing you say about how fabulous those children are.  And that's just fun!

The benefits outweigh the complications.
I can't deny that open adoption can be complicated.  There are frequently many differences between the lives of the adoptive family and the birthfamily that have to be considered and reconciled--whether they be cultural, socioeconomic, racial, educational, geographic, age. . .the list goes on and on.  Coordinating schedules and expressing expectations aren't always easy.  But always the effort is worth it for the good of all of us involved.

I would like to extend a heartfelt thank you to the Klein's for being so open and helpful in our first series on adoption.  Please feel free to comment and ask questions, Shonya would be happy to answer any.  Be sure to check her blog out as well, it's chalked full of great posts!

Learning How Much I Don't Know

Thanks for stopping by and be sure to check back Monday when you get to hear from Roberta.  She was adopted as an infant, so we will get to hear her story of growing up as an adopted child.

Thanks for stopping by!
Julie

Adoption Series 2014 - The Klein's - Part 2 - Tyrell & Aryana

We continue the Klein's adoption story today, if you have not read Part 1, be sure too!  

So there we were, richly blessed with four children—two through birth, and two through adoption.  On the one hand we were content with our family and on the other hand we were open to any other blessings the Lord would send our way.

With our adoption of Kiana, who is of mixed heritage, we had also entered the category of a transracial family.  As we continued to learn more about adoption, we realized it would be good to have another child in our family who could mirror Kiana's darker skin and curly, ethnic hair.  We had been so blessed by growing our family through adoption, and we felt we still had room in our hearts and home for another child, so we started praying about adopting again in 2009.

I had been reading a blog written by a woman who lived in Alabama (we lived in Missouri) for over a year and had prayed through their process of bringing home their infant son, Kai.  One day she had a guest blogger who wrote about the preference many potential adoptive families have for a healthy child who “looks like them” (mostly Caucasian) and the need for families who are willing to adopt children of color, children who have been exposed to drugs, or have other special needs.  The author worked with a network of adoption agencies to find families for all children.  When I shared this post with my husband, he told me to email the author to learn more.

Imagine our surprise when the author lived in Kansas City and knew the social worker and agency who had facilitated our previous two adoptions!  We decided to complete our home study, update our profile for potential birthmothers to get to know our family, and sign up with this worker.  In January of 2010 we were matched with a woman who was due with a baby girl on March 17.  We were very excited and had fun getting ready (we had never had time to really prepare after being matched in the other adoptions).  We decorated a room for her, some friends had a shower for her, and I froze several meals in preparation for my mom to watch the other children while we traveled to Florida where she would be born. 

Unfortunately, this story ended with what is called a “failed adoption” when she decided to have her mom parent the baby instead of us.  This was a hard time for us as there were some unhealthy family cycles that had been repeated through the generations and we were concerned that this little girl would end up in foster care as her mother had before her since her grandmother had not changed her lifestyle, but we had to just trust in God and entrust her to Him.

As we healed from this experience, we were presented in other situations, but nothing came of them until July when we received a call from a woman on the 21^st who was due the 29^th.  She had a series of challenging questions as she interviewed us to see if we would be the best family for her son.  “How will your family accept a brown baby?  How will you handle racist comments?  How do you discipline your children?  Why do you homeschool?  Do you have a pond or pool?  Are you CPR certified?  What is your religion?  Why do you want another child?”  Her son was born on the 25^th and she still was undecided about making an adoption plan.  Finally, on the 29^th, she called with one more question:  “Do you promise to send pictures?  I have to know how he's doing,” and then she asked us to be in Florida the next day at noon to pick him up.

We chose the first name Tyrell for this beautiful little boy and kept the name Damian from his birthmother as his middle name.  

While we rejoiced to add him to our family and believe “every good and perfect gift comes from above” (James 1:17), this adoption cemented for us that adoption invariably involves loss.  Whether parents die or are in a situation that they can't physically or emotionally give their child all they want for them, adoption involves loss.  Birthparents lose the years of day-to-day interaction with their child, and children lose their first parents.  It is a time of rejoicing, yes, that a mother has chosen life for her child in this age where life is not valued.  It is a time of rejoicing to have a child to love.  But there is loss and mourning as a price to pay. 

Nearly four years later, life had continued racing along.  My husband changed jobs and we moved to Iowa (where we had both been raised) as the children grew older.  I celebrated my 40^th birthday and figured our days of adopting were probably over, as I doubted anyone would choose us to parent a baby at this age.  However, we received an email from a friend of a friend who wondered if we would be willing to adopt again.  She knew of an agency who had 16 pregnant women wanting to make adoption plans, but the agency didn't have enough adoptive parents to present to them. 

So just this year, we said yes again and were soon chosen to parent our beautiful daughter Aryana Joy (her mother's name is Abigail, which means Joy)

We really didn't have the money and since we had moved so recently, we didn't have the relationship we had enjoyed with our former banker who we could call at the drop of a hat when an adoption situation arose.  Nevertheless, we moved forward in prayer and faith, trusting that the Lord loved this baby girl and He would provide.  This adoption journey was particularly faith-building (although all of them have been faith-building, this one has been especially so) as our extended church family joyfully rallied around us at the opportunity to bring this little girl into our family.

We count ourselves richly blessed to have grown our family both biologically and through adoption.  Each member fits perfectly into our family and each has taught us something more about trusting God and loving one another.

I find this family an inspiration and such a wonderful example of God's love.  They were providing a home for others and God provided for them.  They are more than willing to answer any questions you might have or comment below to show them support please!  

Tomorrow we get to hear, in our final Klein family piece, what it is like to have open adoptions.  Be sure to find your way back here!

Thanks for stopping by!
Julie

The Klein's Blog - Learning How Much I Didn't Know


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